TRANSLATION: “Long lines! Jerks!”
I’ve come to the conclusion that all aspiring actors are nincompoops. Besides me, of course.
On Saturday, August 21st, I had my first true encounter with showbiz. The local news anchors practically screamed, “OPEN CASTING CALL FOR HOLLYWOOD MOVIE DOWNTOWN!” which, to any town in Oklahoma, is the equivalent of hosting the Olympics. I took one look at the headline, and decided that this was my big break. As did 2,000 other people, darn them. I didn’t even know our population consisted of that many jerks.
I’m not bitter. I swear.
For some odd reason, I expect to be the only one that hears about these types of shindigs. So, I arrived at the swanky (by Oklahoma standards) hotel at 10:30, wearing my brand-new pinstripe suit. An older man stood just in front of me. He gestured towards the far-reaching line of aspiring movie stars. “Line to the bathroom,” he chuckled.
The line stretched from the front of the hotel, around the side, into the parking garage, and finally inside the hotel. The sun beat down, but soon after my jacket was sufficiently sodden, we made it inside. “It won’t be long now!” was the thought that continued to play in my mind. For about six hours.
Here’s a fun fact! Did you know it’s possible to stand for a mile?
The only information anyone gave anyone about this film is the ambiguous synopsis: “A family-oriented romantic drama set in Oklahoma.” Oh, and there’s the tidbit that fishing is critical to the plot. Don’t ask me.
I think the reason that there are so few casting calls in Oklahoma is that no one in Hollywood is quite sure whether or not this territory has been claimed yet.
There were rumors that Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, Javier Bardem, Rachel Weisz, and Jennifer Garner would be starring. How do I know this? Well, believe it or not (on second thought, just believe it), I have been in talks to replace Ben as Rachel McAdams’s love interest. Rachel W. and Jen have also become cognizant of my magnetism, but theirs is simply a passing fancy. Rachel M. and I are true.
You may be asking, “If you’re so tight with Rachel McAdams, why did you stand in line for six hours with the lowest level of beginners at an open casting call?” Stop ruining the fun, will you?
Anyway, back to my story. So, after I had done my best impression of a stationary Vanna White, I finally reached the “magic room”. As the name implies, this room is where the magic happens. Sign a form! Take a picture! Leave! SHAZAAM!
The signing of the form probably took longer than the entire waiting progress. Would you be willing to cut your hair? Um…
What is your blood type? What is your social security number? What do you do when no one’s looking? Hmm?
Then came the dreaded clothes size questions. I have about the worst memory of anyone I can remember, so asking me to recite dimensions of my trousers… Anyway, after giving the bystanders a free show, I moved to the next table.
You know what number I was? 949.
I wasn’t discouraged! Nay, I was all the more empowered! Out of these 2,000-something inexperienced hopefuls, I am the breakout star!
No, really, I was kinda disheartened. They took a few pictures, and I practically whispered a quip about how I had promised my mother I’d never have a front-on and profile picture taken of me solely for identification purposes. I was the only one to hear it. Or laugh at it.
I walked out of the Magic Room with a heavy heart, until I was stopped by official-looking people in official-looking clothes. They spoke to me in official-sounding voices.
“Luke, is it?”
“Add a ‘Sir’ and you’ve got my nom de plume! What can I do ya for?”
Unlike me, they had the capability to refrain from making any racy joke regarding the latter sentence.
“Your performance in the Magic Room was shocking, but artistic. It had a certain defiant flair, just the kind of flair we’re looking for. You’re in.”
Instead of getting me arrested, indecent exposure got me a part. Coming soon to a theater near you.
-luke